Learning to Love One’s Self: A confession to Myself

……………So that hell of a semester just ended and here I have convinced myself to write something about it. Actually not just something, perhaps a little piece of everything. Yeah. I wanted to write something to tell it all, confidently beautiful and proud. To say the least,  I haven’t really been… myself, per say, these past months. A lot of things just happened and frankly, my life had been a mess. Actually calling it a mess would be a giant understatement, and believe me, it is not the best experience.

……………To start it all, ok. Lately, I had been lying to everyone, and even to myself a lot. Because sometimes it is easier to live on a lie than to accept some facts… and move on. And that was exactly what happened.

……………Frankly, I think I was just lose [< lost. this is why you should proofread before publishing people. proofreading matters -_- ] the whole time and it took me months to be able to realize a lot of things and to finally accept what I had been feeling all these times.

Ok, so here goes…


……………So there was this guy, ok, and, he was so different, he was weird in a very attractive way.  Everything he does just captivate me all the time, even when he was angry at me I still find him attractive in that sad kind of obsess way, and he was so cute and his was everything I would have wished for in my life… and sadly I thought we had a connection (haha). As much as I would want to let all those feelings out, haha, it is still a task that is hard for me to do because if I were to write everything about how I felt about that person, it would be an essay. To be honest, I did write it down, and it actually went up to like full 17-pages A4 ‘confession?’ letter. Yeah, that happened… And of course, like everything, and everyone: that person left, in the most cliche way that even saying it is cliche is cliche if you just said “what”… same.


So here I am, I told you that I’m so confident… Eto, ahhmm, wait…. Hahahaha.


……………Yep, that happened. This person, me, who was left behind, was so… so… so sad. Wow, such narration. I was so lonely I wanna kill myself, but I did not because I am too beautiful to die. Je plaisante, I was never suicidal, per say, just that I want to emphasize that I was so upset and messed up crazy that the whole sem became a giant shit, like-when-you-step-on-a-banana-peel-and-you-slip-and-you-landed face-first-on-a-giant-smelly-shit bad.


……………Everything I had said so far began before the semester started, and that is why when the semester started though I tried to be, with a tear on my eye, positive about it, first things first, it hit me so hard like a giant fist, against my– nope– eyes. [i remember on the first day of the semester, i have a 3 hour break, and what i did was ride a Toki for 3 hours straight, around the whole university, just because i have that feeling that i will cry on the next period if i didn’t push those emotions away; imagine coming fresh to the semester with a broken heart. not a good experience.] To start, I was not able to get this one class and so to accommodate with that situation, I had to cancel all my other six class just to be able to get the same class with a different schedule, and it was so frustrating because I have to run from building to building and beg a lot of people just to give me those class that I need, and I looked like an idiot begging for the education that is  not my privilege but my right, people; education is my right; and it is not exactly the best way to start a semester, not to mention I was brokenhearted.


……………And so the semester preceded as usual– shit. Aside from the fact that I was not in my best shape, mentally and emotionally, I also could not find the aspiration to start studying all that information I need to get inside my head and , woah, on retrospect thank God it’ was over, and if you are wondering, my grades sucks. It was, without doubt, the hardest semester yet since I started college. And my God, probably if I was in my best shape, things would be different. Pro-tip, never get a Monday class if you can.


……………The semester started and ended as usual, me, alone, and boring, exactly just like this post. But perhaps if there is anything worth telling about all of those stuff, it seemed like I actually quite learned a lot after all.


……………First thing, acceptance, because that was what these last months were all about. Acceptance is me admitting that, yes I fell in love, and yes my heart got broken and all that stuff. But you know what, that is just the way life is. You got to try, and sometimes you are going to fall, and you will fail. But so what? The thing is if you stop on your track just because of that, you are going to get nowhere, gurl. You are going to be stuck in that moment, just trying to relieve everything over and over and over and over and over and over again, going all over on the where-the-fuck-have-i-gone-wrong to those was-i-merely-imagining-all-those-stuff-i-thought-we-had-a-connection-bruh-what-happened moments. What I was doing was trying to forget I even loved him and it is hard. ~Forgetting him is like trying to know somebody you never met, seriously. But you know what, the reason I find doing all those forgetting about him stuff hard is because I did not accept the fact that I am just a human being capable of doing wrong and being mistaken sometimes. And the thing is, I don’t know, I just don’t hate him anymore as much as I do these past months because of that (acceptance).


……………Second thing I learn is that sometimes you don’t need to be with somebody to be happy. If you know me, you know that I always surround myself with people. However these past months, and because of my eccentric schedule, I was not able to have regular people to surround myself with: I was all by myself. At first, of course, I was scared and bored, per say. I was anxious the people would look at me walking alone in the streets and they would whisper to themselves and laugh. But actually, little by little, I actually grew to love being alone. My god, being alone is fantastic because I no longer have to deal with the adjusting myself and my time and everything for anyone, besides who the heck cares about other people’s opinion [also, being alone means you does not have to pretend you actually care about that friend your friend has whom he brought along to eat with you]. I can make my own decision and eat whatever I want wherever I want without needing to ask for consensus regarding any single thing first. And so I find it soooo fine, in fact I actually I have just watch Pirates of the Caribbean and Wonder Woman alone, yesterday. I find the joy in being alone and I just realized how much of an introvert person I am all these time, and yeah [if you know me, you know i’m not an introvert, so i thought!]. Those moments of being alone sure do a lot on contemplating yourself and discovering who you are, who you really are behind everything, and to sum it all: it was terrific!


……………Lastly, and perhaps what I really want to emphasize at this point is that you do not owe your happiness to anyone. You deserve to be happy, and you are worthy of being happy.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with who you are, and that sometimes things just does not always go the way we want them to be.


……………So after having to organized my thoughts using all the time that I have and having to go through all through that stuff in life and stressing about it a lot, and trust me when I said a lot– I really mean a LOT, you know what I learn is that I will not change a thing. Yeah, I will just go with what I am now, with who am I am right now and continue being me. Because this self, this is more than a facade or a mask I wear to impress anyone, or pretend to be anything that is not me. This face, as I have come to realize, is me, and that whether I like it or not, this is the me– the real me, and you know what, I actually love who I am. I really do. After all these times, I realize that nothing is wrong who I am. As I have said, sometimes things just does not go the way we want them to be, and there is absolutely nothing wrong about it. It is okay to fall sometimes, it is okay to fail sometimes, what is not okay, however, is not to learn anything from those mistakes. I have learned that hope is stronger than fear, and that if I will stop loving and being happy just because I did not make it at first then I will be forever stuck in that limbo of nowhere and nowhere to go, never knowing who am I, who the real me is. And the real me says,


I loved him, but I love myself more.

After looking inwards, I find out what I needed to do with my life is to dive and take that leap of faith. In order to live, we must always keep daring. Dive.

Love lots 🙂

x

~~~

-a/n: if you watch supergirl, some of the last sentences were inspired by Cat Grant xoxo~

-a/n: oh yeah, i forgot to mention… these things were actually events that happened months ago, just too lazy to actually write it down that is why it is so late. yeah, those creeping feelings were already gone ahahaha, hm. regarding my latest extravaganza, i guess i’ll have to post a separate post about it later in life hahaha, (i was laughing so hard i almost pour coffee on my keyboard). so yeah

– a/n: (7/15/2017) so ayern, i don’t really proofread a lot before i post anything on this blog sooow yas, i saw one error “to organized” ghad and i’m sure marami pa dyan; je suis beacoup desolee 😛 well ganern telega

 

 

 

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